We’re testing the limits of the soundboard today! In this episode, I’m joined by the hilarious Chris Akin for a conversation that covers everything from movies and frogs to the legendary Danny Glover. We had a blast joking around, and this episode is pure, carefree fun from start to finish.
Catch Chris Live: If you’re in Austin, go see Chris perform! He is a powerhouse on stage and a must-see local talent.
🔔 Subscribe and tune in every week for new episodes.
Thanks again for stopping by, Chris!
— Trey
Follow us!:
https://www.instagram.com/chris124419/
https://www.instagram.com/treyonstage/
00:00:00 --> 00:00:46 Only Bones Can you hear me now? Yeah, I can hear
00:00:46 --> 00:00:48 you loud and clear and sorry about that Sorry
00:00:48 --> 00:00:51 about that. I left a banana out and now there's
00:00:51 --> 00:00:53 like there's like three gnats that just are just
00:00:53 --> 00:00:55 like they're refusing Oh, I thought that was
00:00:55 --> 00:00:57 like why the dogs are barking. There's a banana
00:00:57 --> 00:01:00 on the other side of the door you son of a bitch
00:01:00 --> 00:01:02 Why is it so easy for cats to get to these bananas?
00:01:03 --> 00:01:06 Why do cats like bananas so much, right? I got
00:01:06 --> 00:01:09 no audio on this on the headset. Oh wait hit
00:01:09 --> 00:01:11 that button right there on that thing our yeah
00:01:11 --> 00:01:16 And then I think you might be two or one or two.
00:01:17 --> 00:01:18 Yeah, keep playing with them until you hear yourself,
00:01:19 --> 00:01:22 basically. Hey, how's it going? Yeah. Hey, this
00:01:22 --> 00:01:25 is a weird way to masturbate. Right? Yeah, I
00:01:25 --> 00:01:29 can hear myself. Amplifier. Amplify, amplify.
00:01:29 --> 00:01:32 Does it work on the dick? Amplify dick. Yeah,
00:01:32 --> 00:01:34 is it working? Because I haven't set that up
00:01:34 --> 00:01:36 in a while. You mean amplifying the deck or?
00:01:39 --> 00:01:42 It's been years since I've amplified myself.
00:01:42 --> 00:01:44 Yes, it's working. It's working, I think. Can
00:01:44 --> 00:01:46 you imagine if you can amplify masturbation?
00:01:46 --> 00:01:50 It's like, no one has been outside in two years.
00:01:52 --> 00:01:55 This just in, another COVID, your hand. Your
00:01:55 --> 00:01:57 left hand. Your left hand is set. Yeah, I put
00:01:57 --> 00:01:59 googly eyes on it and like, hey, you haven't
00:01:59 --> 00:02:02 kissed me in years. I don't know why you never
00:02:02 --> 00:02:05 do anymore. Why don't you swap hands? Right.
00:02:07 --> 00:02:12 Wait. The power commits. I have no idea on the
00:02:12 --> 00:02:14 headphones. I just look cool. Oh, you have no
00:02:14 --> 00:02:18 audio. We're just loud enough to where I'm like,
00:02:18 --> 00:02:20 oh, this is aesthetics only. Right. Hey, how
00:02:20 --> 00:02:22 was Only Bombs, by the way? It's like I didn't
00:02:22 --> 00:02:26 hear a thing. OK. I was talking. I hope it matched
00:02:26 --> 00:02:29 up to what he was saying. Let's see this. Okay.
00:02:29 --> 00:02:31 This might help I don't know I hope it does we're
00:02:31 --> 00:02:33 gonna see we don't have to wear the headphones
00:02:33 --> 00:02:36 then oh Is there it just looks cool? It does
00:02:36 --> 00:02:39 yeah, we couldn't home. Let me see let me see
00:02:39 --> 00:02:41 let me see what's going on Let me see if I can
00:02:41 --> 00:02:42 figure it out. I've powered all four channels.
00:02:42 --> 00:02:46 Yeah, only bombs kind of crazy Only bombs himself
00:02:46 --> 00:02:53 bombing only bombs is bombing Did y 'all know
00:02:53 --> 00:02:57 this was an electric chair? I got the feed, but
00:02:57 --> 00:03:00 there we go. Yeah. Oh man, am I that annoying?
00:03:01 --> 00:03:02 How's it, how's it sounding now? You're good?
00:03:02 --> 00:03:05 Yeah, I can hear me. Yeah? That's creepy. You
00:03:05 --> 00:03:07 want me to turn you up, down, whatever? I am,
00:03:07 --> 00:03:14 I am turned on. Baby, is this why you like me
00:03:14 --> 00:03:18 so much? I'm very turned on right now. I can
00:03:18 --> 00:03:21 hear me. Good. I'm glad that's good. All right.
00:03:21 --> 00:03:25 Wait. All right. So here We're one of those shows
00:03:25 --> 00:03:31 You ready for the fart sound Dude I wish I had
00:03:31 --> 00:03:34 a fart sound that's cool. If that was your fart
00:03:34 --> 00:03:35 sound that would be great I would love to have
00:03:35 --> 00:03:41 birds come out of my ass if I fart, right? For
00:03:41 --> 00:03:46 one of my shows just if it's just silence Yeah,
00:03:46 --> 00:03:48 I've never I've never used those so I was just
00:03:48 --> 00:03:50 like oh wait. I've always had real audiences
00:03:50 --> 00:03:54 It does like voice things too. I thought good.
00:03:54 --> 00:03:58 Yeah. Yeah, so you're able to hear this right?
00:03:58 --> 00:04:05 Yes. Oh God, that's weird It sounds like a foamy
00:04:05 --> 00:04:08 the squirrel, you know that yeah, it's exactly
00:04:08 --> 00:04:11 like foam with the squirrel You guys can't hear
00:04:11 --> 00:04:15 but it's been pitched up So it sounds like helium.
00:04:15 --> 00:04:18 It sounds like we're talking like this! Right?
00:04:19 --> 00:04:23 That's so awful. Oh, there we go. We got Bowser
00:04:23 --> 00:04:30 in my head. That's right. If you add to it. Oh,
00:04:30 --> 00:04:33 brother. Where art thou? Yeah, dude, I just watched
00:04:33 --> 00:04:35 that, actually. Oh, nice. Yeah. Do you like that
00:04:35 --> 00:04:37 movie? It was a fun one. Yeah. I think the guy
00:04:37 --> 00:04:42 really liked his frogs. Like I just thought his
00:04:42 --> 00:04:44 friend turned into a frog you turned him into
00:04:44 --> 00:04:48 a horny toad Well, I thought was funny because
00:04:48 --> 00:04:50 I think the whole deal was that they were by
00:04:50 --> 00:04:53 trying to fuck the sirens Yeah, they they thought
00:04:53 --> 00:04:56 they were so the horny toad was a joke. It was
00:04:56 --> 00:05:00 the sirens in a creek. Mm -hmm Yeah, I was like,
00:05:00 --> 00:05:02 don't you guys know not to do that. They come
00:05:02 --> 00:05:04 to this Very shallow creek where you might drown
00:05:04 --> 00:05:07 in two inches of water Yeah, they tell you not
00:05:07 --> 00:05:10 to go with sirens to begin with and then you
00:05:10 --> 00:05:12 fuck my mama told me to respect all women Yeah,
00:05:13 --> 00:05:14 even the ones that want to kill you let alone
00:05:14 --> 00:05:18 some like southern Southern Baptist sirens. Don't
00:05:18 --> 00:05:22 worry. They're the good ones Jesus Jesus wants
00:05:22 --> 00:05:24 you to listen as he drowns you right? I mean
00:05:24 --> 00:05:28 blesses you I mean and then like so they so They
00:05:28 --> 00:05:31 leave them there, like knocked out, and then
00:05:31 --> 00:05:34 they just leave his clothes all good -like, and
00:05:34 --> 00:05:36 then he somehow ends up back in jail? Yeah, how'd
00:05:36 --> 00:05:39 they clean those clothes? Right? They're like,
00:05:39 --> 00:05:41 you know what we better do? We better put a frog
00:05:41 --> 00:05:43 in this. They might think something happened.
00:05:44 --> 00:05:46 Yeah, exactly. Better put a frog there. They're
00:05:46 --> 00:05:54 like, he's a toad. He's a horny toad. I feel
00:05:54 --> 00:05:59 like that was his that'd be weird if that's what
00:05:59 --> 00:06:02 they had him try out for his for the movie That's
00:06:02 --> 00:06:05 like here's your audition try to try to look
00:06:05 --> 00:06:07 sad for a toad. Yeah. All right, your friend
00:06:07 --> 00:06:12 just turned into a toad React right. This is
00:06:12 --> 00:06:19 your co -host Ribbit Ribbed for her pleasure
00:06:19 --> 00:06:25 it right. I'm ready for insert What kind of toad
00:06:25 --> 00:06:31 is that? It's my home Yeah, dude that whole movie
00:06:31 --> 00:06:33 was that whole movie was nuts and I know that
00:06:33 --> 00:06:35 it's based on the Odyssey because that's what
00:06:35 --> 00:06:37 I sort of said Beginning the movie. It's based
00:06:37 --> 00:06:40 on the Odyssey I'm like dude, so I'm gonna go
00:06:40 --> 00:06:43 watch that before I go watch Christopher Nolan's.
00:06:43 --> 00:06:45 Oh, yeah new movie He has a new movie. Wait,
00:06:45 --> 00:06:47 but did he do another Frankenstein something
00:06:47 --> 00:06:49 or is that someone else? I think that's something
00:06:49 --> 00:06:51 else. All right, I think that's that's actually
00:06:51 --> 00:06:53 the new Frankenstein movie where like they're
00:06:53 --> 00:06:57 dating Yeah, they're all Someone's trying to
00:06:57 --> 00:07:01 bang a monster Oh yeah. That's what we're here
00:07:01 --> 00:07:04 for. That's what we're here for. I paid my 14
00:07:04 --> 00:07:07 .99 and got my free popcorn. I am here to see
00:07:07 --> 00:07:11 Monsters Fuck. In my monster truck. If it's not
00:07:11 --> 00:07:14 eight foot feet off the ground, I don't want
00:07:14 --> 00:07:17 to see that. Monster fuck in my monster truck.
00:07:18 --> 00:07:24 Oh yeah. Times two. Dose. Man. Okay, so we actually
00:07:24 --> 00:07:27 have like his whole family here. Like, so I know
00:07:27 --> 00:07:29 you guys can't see this, but, you know, his whole
00:07:29 --> 00:07:32 family's here, his girlfriend and his repairman.
00:07:32 --> 00:07:34 I like, right? Oh, no, he's a good friend, but
00:07:34 --> 00:07:37 we just called him the repairman. Oh, okay. I
00:07:37 --> 00:07:38 love how you introduce him as a repairman, because
00:07:38 --> 00:07:40 I've been sitting here like, so like, do you
00:07:40 --> 00:07:43 work for like a cable company or, you know, I
00:07:43 --> 00:07:45 wish that I had a microphone and another camera
00:07:45 --> 00:07:48 I can like give them, but. Rotate. Right. Just
00:07:48 --> 00:07:51 rotate. Yeah, just ruin the whole. Yeah. Everything
00:07:51 --> 00:07:55 that got set up. Right. Yeah, we'll just rip
00:07:55 --> 00:07:57 down the rip down the fourth wall. Yeah, like
00:07:57 --> 00:07:59 what's actually behind his curtain here? It's
00:07:59 --> 00:08:02 a that'll be a mystery forever. It's a horny
00:08:02 --> 00:08:07 toad Yeah, we're in leotard. Yeah, so I really
00:08:07 --> 00:08:11 like that movie, you know Fun film that is that
00:08:11 --> 00:08:15 is a fun film. That is it's a her You know, well,
00:08:15 --> 00:08:17 are you a movie guy? Like what kind of what kind
00:08:17 --> 00:08:20 of things are you into? I? Depends on how much
00:08:20 --> 00:08:27 time we get The table is wide. Wide -ish. We
00:08:27 --> 00:08:30 have a wide angle lens. Dude, speaking of wide,
00:08:32 --> 00:08:34 what's really funny, dude, is when I was editing
00:08:34 --> 00:08:37 this and using the wide shot here that I'm trying
00:08:37 --> 00:08:40 to get, I didn't... Kicking left at the table
00:08:40 --> 00:08:43 with it. Right? Dude, I didn't realize... I never
00:08:43 --> 00:08:46 realized how big I am. I always, for some reason
00:08:46 --> 00:08:48 in my mind, I always think that I'm your size.
00:08:49 --> 00:08:51 It doesn't matter who I'm hanging around with.
00:08:51 --> 00:08:57 You look good. For my size. When I looked with
00:08:57 --> 00:09:00 me and Keegan, I'm like, dude, I'm fucking huge.
00:09:00 --> 00:09:01 And I'm like, I know I'm going to be the same
00:09:01 --> 00:09:03 way with you. I'm like, I'm going to be so fucking
00:09:03 --> 00:09:05 massive. You're going to be so swole by the end
00:09:05 --> 00:09:11 of this. Swole in. These gnats bite. They've
00:09:11 --> 00:09:13 been trained. These are some vicious blood -sucking
00:09:13 --> 00:09:15 gnats. They specifically go for the forehead
00:09:15 --> 00:09:19 and left kneecap. With like little gnat bats.
00:09:22 --> 00:09:24 Like they work for the fucking, they're the gnat
00:09:24 --> 00:09:28 mafia. Gotcha. You better have the blood by midnight.
00:09:29 --> 00:09:32 You should have brought some gnatty light. Okay,
00:09:32 --> 00:09:35 wait, where is it? Oh, I meant to hit the drum,
00:09:35 --> 00:09:40 but... Right there is your Natty life. Here's
00:09:40 --> 00:09:43 your Natty life This episode sponsored by protein
00:09:43 --> 00:09:47 right? Oh god, dude. So man, how you been dude?
00:09:47 --> 00:09:49 How's comedy been? It's been it's been moving
00:09:49 --> 00:09:52 a bit quicker now that people take take me seriously
00:09:52 --> 00:09:53 because I've seen a lot of the guys you've had
00:09:53 --> 00:09:56 on your show I think simply Courtney has given
00:09:56 --> 00:10:00 me the most We'll say bones to he's throwing
00:10:00 --> 00:10:02 a lot more. I've been on his show a few times.
00:10:02 --> 00:10:04 I remember when it started It was just still
00:10:04 --> 00:10:06 at Coletown Theatre. It was just the two of them
00:10:06 --> 00:10:08 to a completely empty room. Now they have chairs
00:10:08 --> 00:10:13 in it. Yeah, nice. Nice. It's still a fun show.
00:10:13 --> 00:10:15 So when you did Along for the Vibes, there was
00:10:15 --> 00:10:17 no chairs in there? There was no Along for the,
00:10:17 --> 00:10:18 it wasn't Along for the Vibes at the time. It
00:10:18 --> 00:10:21 was just called R .L. Stein Music. Oh, he did
00:10:21 --> 00:10:25 say that. Yeah. Yeah. And I did terrible on the
00:10:25 --> 00:10:27 show. I don't think they were able to use the
00:10:27 --> 00:10:31 footage. Dude, that's a thing, though. I've been
00:10:31 --> 00:10:34 there, like, so many fucking times. I don't even
00:10:34 --> 00:10:37 release my own footage. Right, it's like, I know
00:10:37 --> 00:10:39 what it looks like. Y 'all are gonna see the
00:10:39 --> 00:10:42 A grade of my five best videos a thousand times
00:10:42 --> 00:10:44 tried. Here's how I really think you should see
00:10:44 --> 00:10:47 me. Right, yeah. I mean, that's how my Instagram's
00:10:47 --> 00:10:50 been, is I've only uploaded when things work.
00:10:51 --> 00:10:53 Everything else is just thrown onto YouTube for,
00:10:53 --> 00:10:58 like, my own scene where I came from. Yeah. It's
00:10:58 --> 00:11:00 been rough, to say the least. Yeah, of course.
00:11:01 --> 00:11:02 How long have you been doing comedy? I'm sorry,
00:11:03 --> 00:11:07 I didn't mean to interrupt you. It takes me back.
00:11:09 --> 00:11:11 Rim shot, rim shot, rim shot. Right, that's the
00:11:11 --> 00:11:13 only thing I'm using. Sorry, we don't have a
00:11:13 --> 00:11:18 tear button. More rim shot. Arguably, I started,
00:11:18 --> 00:11:21 well, I tried it a few times many years ago.
00:11:21 --> 00:11:24 I think the first, it was back at a backdoor
00:11:24 --> 00:11:28 comedy club in Dallas about 15 years ago. Two
00:11:28 --> 00:11:32 open mics. The first joke I did there was about
00:11:32 --> 00:11:35 a condom that would change colors based off the
00:11:35 --> 00:11:39 STD you just got. Hey, dude. That's like AIDS
00:11:39 --> 00:11:42 again, you know. Right? That's gotta stop, man.
00:11:42 --> 00:11:48 Right? Why is it always blue? Because I'm not
00:11:48 --> 00:11:49 getting any or is that something else right?
00:11:50 --> 00:11:51 It's both. You take the condom off. You're like,
00:11:51 --> 00:11:53 oh, it's not the condom. My dick's just always
00:11:53 --> 00:11:57 been blue. I really gotta stop doing that. I
00:11:57 --> 00:11:59 gotta stop watching so much Smurf porn. Those
00:11:59 --> 00:12:06 horny toads. Oh, warts. Nah, that was a fun place.
00:12:07 --> 00:12:11 That was also the one time I actually, I had
00:12:11 --> 00:12:15 one, technically it was a racist joke. Mm -hmm.
00:12:15 --> 00:12:17 We could cut this part if we want right dude.
00:12:17 --> 00:12:19 I wish I don't have a beep that'd be fucking
00:12:19 --> 00:12:27 cool if I had a beep What the fuck I think there's
00:12:27 --> 00:12:34 a little too much in this world Right or like
00:12:34 --> 00:12:41 or it fucks up right I voted for What the fuck
00:12:42 --> 00:12:44 Dude actually works. I legitimately just said
00:12:44 --> 00:12:58 fuck Edit me out, you know edit myself out It's
00:12:58 --> 00:12:59 just too much fun you guys are gonna have to
00:12:59 --> 00:13:01 understand what we're hearing in our headphones
00:13:01 --> 00:13:04 I think that's what it is. I wish oh no. Oh,
00:13:04 --> 00:13:08 no. Oh, no. Oh, there we go This is a sensitive
00:13:08 --> 00:13:10 cable. Damn. He got too close to the armpit.
00:13:11 --> 00:13:15 I don't like it in there. A ventriloquist, right?
00:13:15 --> 00:13:18 I don't like it at the armpits. That's why I
00:13:18 --> 00:13:22 go back to church. I like that Robin Williams
00:13:22 --> 00:13:25 from, uh... What are you doing to me? Yeah. What
00:13:25 --> 00:13:27 are you doing to me? You're not a priest. Yeah,
00:13:28 --> 00:13:29 that's exactly the one that I'm talking about.
00:13:29 --> 00:13:31 I love that you just did that. That was one of
00:13:31 --> 00:13:34 my favorite stand -up shows ever. I thought it
00:13:34 --> 00:13:36 was a fun show. When my parents definitely got
00:13:36 --> 00:13:38 me into Robin Williams pretty early, although
00:13:38 --> 00:13:41 speaking of which they had no idea I was doing
00:13:41 --> 00:13:44 stand -up for till very recently and I and I
00:13:44 --> 00:13:47 it took a while to try to get them to I Didn't
00:13:47 --> 00:13:49 want them to know for a while cuz like I want
00:13:49 --> 00:13:51 to have my success for me and have y 'all Not
00:13:51 --> 00:13:54 have any sort of like see, that's my son. I encouraged
00:13:54 --> 00:13:56 it and like now I was in the dark until I was
00:13:56 --> 00:13:59 ready to invite them to a paid show So they're
00:13:59 --> 00:14:02 supportive. Yes, but they weren't able to come
00:14:02 --> 00:14:04 to last night. Last night was the first paid
00:14:04 --> 00:14:07 show at Velveeta Room. So that was fun. Yeah,
00:14:07 --> 00:14:11 I remember you telling me about that. Everybody
00:14:11 --> 00:14:14 did good. Especially when we had three people
00:14:14 --> 00:14:17 that were on the list drop. And my phone was
00:14:17 --> 00:14:19 just on airplane mode the whole time because
00:14:19 --> 00:14:22 I was trying to record my own set. Yeah. And
00:14:22 --> 00:14:24 Matt the whole time is trying to say like, hey
00:14:24 --> 00:14:26 man, you might be going up soon. Somebody, Oren,
00:14:27 --> 00:14:32 canceled. Burned. Fuck you, Warren. You're supposed
00:14:32 --> 00:14:34 to war up the crowd with talking about things
00:14:34 --> 00:14:36 that happened before him without writing jokes.
00:14:36 --> 00:14:39 Burned again. Damn it, Warren. I have to cut
00:14:39 --> 00:14:44 that part. I like him. Oh. There you go. Delayed
00:14:44 --> 00:14:50 beep. The best thing about Warren. Yeah, dude,
00:14:51 --> 00:14:54 I hope he sees this. No, he's pretty good. I
00:14:54 --> 00:14:57 like what he does. Yeah. Awesome. I brought my
00:14:57 --> 00:15:02 my own Turkish friend. Oh Wrong button. I'm still
00:15:02 --> 00:15:09 getting used to the buttons We approve of Turkey,
00:15:09 --> 00:15:14 okay, Turkey You know, oh there we go. There
00:15:14 --> 00:15:19 we go We can insert our own sound effects. Oh,
00:15:20 --> 00:15:22 yeah, he's playing baseball. This is a small
00:15:22 --> 00:15:26 turkey That was weird. I thought you were there
00:15:26 --> 00:15:28 was a good when I first we first got here This
00:15:28 --> 00:15:30 is a guy just pitching against the wall. Yeah,
00:15:30 --> 00:15:33 he was terrible. But yeah He had like a blue
00:15:33 --> 00:15:35 square of tape that he taped at it and just kept
00:15:35 --> 00:15:38 hitting it I'm like I should probably park extra
00:15:38 --> 00:15:40 ten feet not be directly behind him dude. I'm
00:15:40 --> 00:15:46 fairly certain. He's homeless He saw angels in
00:15:46 --> 00:15:47 the outfield once and thought you know what I
00:15:47 --> 00:15:52 think I can get a good swing on it Angels in
00:15:52 --> 00:15:54 the Outfield, that's another fucking throwback,
00:15:54 --> 00:15:58 man. I was looking for that movie for years,
00:15:58 --> 00:16:00 and they didn't have it. You couldn't find it
00:16:00 --> 00:16:03 on DVD, Blu -ray, anything. And then they recently
00:16:03 --> 00:16:06 put it on, like, what is it, Disney Plus or whatever?
00:16:06 --> 00:16:09 Yeah, they put it on that table. That table.
00:16:09 --> 00:16:12 Just call me Al. No one can see me or hear me
00:16:12 --> 00:16:17 but you. By the way, you're insane. But it works
00:16:17 --> 00:16:19 out because you're at least applying your insanity
00:16:19 --> 00:16:22 to a sport. Dude, it's so funny when you watch
00:16:22 --> 00:16:26 Danny Glover go from Predator 2 to Angels in
00:16:26 --> 00:16:29 the Outfield, but he's almost the same as when
00:16:29 --> 00:16:31 he was in Predator 2. Right, that's what happened
00:16:31 --> 00:16:37 after his two weeks of retirement. Yeah, yeah
00:16:37 --> 00:16:42 the predator and then went to baseball Yeah,
00:16:42 --> 00:16:45 pretty much dude, I saw people get skinned alive
00:16:45 --> 00:16:47 and hung from a roof But now we're gonna pick
00:16:47 --> 00:16:49 on my pitching game. Oh fuck that I'd rather
00:16:49 --> 00:16:53 go to the LA Dodgers or you know, is it the Dodgers?
00:16:53 --> 00:16:55 No, it's literally Anaheim Angels. I'm a fucking
00:16:55 --> 00:17:02 idiot. Okay That is the thing that he wears because
00:17:02 --> 00:17:06 like the angel his name is Al and he has LA But
00:17:06 --> 00:17:09 it's flipped. Oh, huh to say Al instead or like,
00:17:09 --> 00:17:11 you know Would it be weird if I'm like I didn't
00:17:11 --> 00:17:14 put those together just like oh cool. He's playing
00:17:14 --> 00:17:16 baseball I played baseball probably That would
00:17:16 --> 00:17:18 be even funnier if you just never heard of that
00:17:18 --> 00:17:20 movie, but you just knew all the references I'd
00:17:20 --> 00:17:22 be like dude, it's a miracle like dude, you should
00:17:22 --> 00:17:28 write playwright Does golden light come out of
00:17:28 --> 00:17:30 your ass when you take a shit Right here's angels
00:17:30 --> 00:17:36 on the outfield touchdown. All right Go You've
00:17:36 --> 00:17:39 gone for gold and you've gone too far. Yeah So
00:17:39 --> 00:17:42 man, so like so your your family is supportive
00:17:42 --> 00:17:45 of you do doing comedy Well, they definitely
00:17:45 --> 00:17:48 saw me do it the first time at back to our comedy
00:17:48 --> 00:17:51 club and back then Nobody was really using their
00:17:51 --> 00:17:54 it was all everyone still uses notes And then
00:17:54 --> 00:17:57 I I got kind of annoyed like why doesn't everybody's
00:17:57 --> 00:18:00 use their phone? to read off of, now everybody
00:18:00 --> 00:18:03 does, but back, it was like 15 years ago. It
00:18:03 --> 00:18:06 definitely, because of how things went, I stepped
00:18:06 --> 00:18:09 away from comedy for quite a while until I, the
00:18:09 --> 00:18:12 writing is what I focused on, but for that, I
00:18:12 --> 00:18:15 made fun of all the comics. I was like, you guys
00:18:15 --> 00:18:17 should be using technology, and then I tried
00:18:17 --> 00:18:20 reading my notes and my phone froze. And some
00:18:20 --> 00:18:21 dude in the audience was like, yeah, how's that
00:18:21 --> 00:18:23 technology going? And I'm like, it's a lot better
00:18:23 --> 00:18:27 than those hearing aid batteries. And the audience
00:18:27 --> 00:18:29 just lost it at that point. I'm like, aha, that
00:18:29 --> 00:18:31 wasn't planned. I'm getting off stage now. Right?
00:18:31 --> 00:18:34 You did years ago. Like the first time I ever
00:18:34 --> 00:18:37 like saw an open mic And I think it might actually
00:18:37 --> 00:18:39 be around 15 years ago now that I think about
00:18:39 --> 00:18:41 it But you know when that was one of the first
00:18:41 --> 00:18:43 thoughts that I had was like why the hell is
00:18:43 --> 00:18:46 that dude have notebook? Shouldn't you just have
00:18:46 --> 00:18:48 all your shit member? Yeah, shouldn't you just
00:18:48 --> 00:18:50 fucking memorize it isn't that isn't it? Just
00:18:50 --> 00:18:51 that easy you don't want to lose your place in
00:18:51 --> 00:18:54 line right and then I get up there And I'm like
00:18:54 --> 00:18:56 where's my notebook like I need my notebook oh
00:18:56 --> 00:18:58 that reminded me of I don't know who the comic
00:18:58 --> 00:19:01 was but he definitely He had a notebook where
00:19:01 --> 00:19:04 he had drawn like a hundred pictures of different
00:19:04 --> 00:19:08 dicks And his whole plan was was just to start
00:19:08 --> 00:19:11 off doing terrible like and the historical thing
00:19:11 --> 00:19:12 about this. Oh, hold on guys I have to go to
00:19:12 --> 00:19:16 my notes Then he launches his his book everywhere
00:19:16 --> 00:19:18 pictures of dicks are flying in every direction
00:19:18 --> 00:19:20 and it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen.
00:19:20 --> 00:19:22 Oh god, I love that. That's great I don't know
00:19:22 --> 00:19:25 if he still does that but I was like you that
00:19:25 --> 00:19:27 you can just draw dicks and throw them around
00:19:27 --> 00:19:29 and people laugh so he's just he's picking them
00:19:29 --> 00:19:31 up like no no they're gonna see my secret drawings
00:19:31 --> 00:19:34 like that's like 200 dicks on the ground man
00:19:34 --> 00:19:36 like dude that is each one was different i'm
00:19:36 --> 00:19:39 like that's a lot of setup for one punch line
00:19:39 --> 00:19:42 no that is brilliant man even when i went on
00:19:42 --> 00:19:45 uh kiltonia i had my fucking one minute set written
00:19:45 --> 00:19:49 down on my hand yeah like hold on guys Yeah,
00:19:49 --> 00:19:51 it's just a picture of a dick dude. You can see
00:19:51 --> 00:19:53 it and I use my left hand for part of it So I
00:19:53 --> 00:19:57 could just be like I've even seen Maria Bamford
00:19:57 --> 00:19:58 will have like on the back of her back of her
00:19:58 --> 00:20:01 thumb Will be an entire just her whole set is
00:20:01 --> 00:20:04 written just keywords for each one of them So
00:20:04 --> 00:20:05 if you could see some of her old material, you
00:20:05 --> 00:20:08 can see like the back of the thumb Visible in
00:20:08 --> 00:20:10 some of those shots. That's awesome, man. I love
00:20:10 --> 00:20:13 Maria Bamford so much. Oh, yeah, man. I got tickets
00:20:13 --> 00:20:16 Yeah, again. Oh hell. Yeah, you see number four.
00:20:16 --> 00:20:19 Oh, I think like twice now. I actually I dude
00:20:19 --> 00:20:23 insane insane. Oh beautiful That's such a great
00:20:23 --> 00:20:26 answer did like 20 minutes on just doing like
00:20:26 --> 00:20:28 grimace grimace grimace And then the grimace
00:20:28 --> 00:20:30 was telling me to do this and grimaces and like
00:20:30 --> 00:20:34 I paid for this. Oh Beautiful dear. I was we
00:20:34 --> 00:20:37 were my our seats were like right by the green
00:20:37 --> 00:20:39 room So you could see the door open up. I just
00:20:39 --> 00:20:41 see her reading a magazine board. I'm like, ah
00:20:42 --> 00:20:44 Thought you'd be like killing a few animals in
00:20:44 --> 00:20:46 there. Oh hell. Yeah, dude I love how she can
00:20:46 --> 00:20:49 go from like super super awkward to all the sudden
00:20:49 --> 00:20:53 like just corporate like a switch just fucking
00:20:53 --> 00:20:55 whoa, dude And she does that corporate voice
00:20:55 --> 00:20:58 like hello. I'm normal now. Yeah, I can't do
00:20:58 --> 00:21:01 the voice But she's got like three voices and
00:21:01 --> 00:21:02 acknowledges that high voice little voice low
00:21:02 --> 00:21:05 voice Yeah, they have a new comic that kind of
00:21:05 --> 00:21:06 reminds me of her, but she never she doesn't
00:21:06 --> 00:21:11 do any of the switches But she had some clip
00:21:11 --> 00:21:14 that went viral on Instagram, I think. It was
00:21:14 --> 00:21:17 her on the news. I don't remember her name, I'll
00:21:17 --> 00:21:18 have to figure it out. But yeah, she was on the
00:21:18 --> 00:21:21 news. She was on the, we're hunting this person
00:21:21 --> 00:21:25 down on the news. If you've seen this comic.
00:21:26 --> 00:21:28 So the news, they asked her what was her date
00:21:28 --> 00:21:30 in life like, and she was like, yeah, I went
00:21:30 --> 00:21:32 on a date and somebody told me I looked like
00:21:32 --> 00:21:34 Jean -Béné Ramsey. And then that guy was never
00:21:34 --> 00:21:38 seen again. Yeah, but she was. It's kind of weird.
00:21:38 --> 00:21:41 She's wearing his pants, shirt, and hat. Yeah,
00:21:41 --> 00:21:44 do you remember Lorraine and Bobbitt? Lorraine
00:21:44 --> 00:21:47 and Bobbitt time? Yes. Yeah. And Robin Williams
00:21:47 --> 00:21:50 again. Yeah, it's like, oh, where's my dick?
00:21:52 --> 00:21:53 Oh, no, no. Oh, there it is in the front row.
00:21:54 --> 00:21:57 Dude, I love comedians who do all that stuff.
00:21:57 --> 00:21:59 Do you like Pablo Francisco? He's a fun one,
00:21:59 --> 00:22:03 too. Yeah, like all the voices, I think. Was
00:22:03 --> 00:22:05 it him or someone else that did like a perfect
00:22:05 --> 00:22:10 John Madden? Oh Oh that that's mad TV. Yeah,
00:22:11 --> 00:22:12 Frank Kelly and that's the one. Yeah, Frank.
00:22:12 --> 00:22:15 How the endo does that? He doesn't million of
00:22:15 --> 00:22:18 those voices dude. Oh, yeah I remember him doing
00:22:18 --> 00:22:20 John Madden a lot. Mm -hmm, which I can't do.
00:22:20 --> 00:22:23 Yeah Daryl Hannah was pretty good from Saturday
00:22:23 --> 00:22:27 Night Live. Like, you know, he's a he did the
00:22:28 --> 00:22:31 Sean Connery from Jeopardy to Jeopardy. Speaking
00:22:31 --> 00:22:33 of Sean Connery, I had a Sean Connery battle
00:22:33 --> 00:22:37 once, where it was an impression off. Oh, yeah?
00:22:37 --> 00:22:41 Yeah, it was at Kickbutt Coffee in Austin. And
00:22:41 --> 00:22:43 the guy that was on stage, he was doing other
00:22:43 --> 00:22:45 impressions. And as soon as he did Sean Connery,
00:22:45 --> 00:22:47 like, oh, I can do a Sean Connery talking about
00:22:47 --> 00:22:53 shorts. Like, I like short shorts. I like short
00:22:53 --> 00:22:55 shorts. I like them when they're full of money.
00:22:58 --> 00:23:03 Is this thing on? I like short shorts with money
00:23:03 --> 00:23:11 in my thong. I've got the light shift. I don't
00:23:11 --> 00:23:12 know what those impressions are, but I don't
00:23:12 --> 00:23:16 feel like it's any Sean Connery. It's called
00:23:16 --> 00:23:19 Close Enough. and safe enough to not be sued.
00:23:19 --> 00:23:23 Yeah, ah, fuck. I don't know. Yeah, sorry, dude,
00:23:24 --> 00:23:27 your episode was not a epitode. On this next
00:23:27 --> 00:23:30 epitode, we're bringing back the horny toad.
00:23:30 --> 00:23:34 Your horny epitode. It's like just a fucking
00:23:34 --> 00:23:37 toad that's like high on epinephrine, just a
00:23:37 --> 00:23:50 fucking epitode. He's like, I'm alive! I had
00:23:50 --> 00:23:53 200 brothers and they all got eight, you know,
00:23:53 --> 00:23:55 I can't go anywhere near a French restaurant
00:23:55 --> 00:24:09 anymore Was he a big pole? Nah, just a tad It's
00:24:09 --> 00:24:12 just a tad joke yeah, they're not a dad joke
00:24:12 --> 00:24:18 a tad joke Memorize the colors yeah blue for
00:24:18 --> 00:24:20 sad it was like I was telling you I'm colorblind
00:24:20 --> 00:24:23 so I'm sitting there like oh Fuck everything's
00:24:23 --> 00:24:26 gray. Yeah. Oh, I got the eyes of a dog Dude,
00:24:26 --> 00:24:28 that's like that. That is a thing that people
00:24:28 --> 00:24:30 always ask me like dude. What do you see and
00:24:30 --> 00:24:33 I was like you well I'm like I see the demon
00:24:33 --> 00:24:38 on your shoulder Do it what I never understood
00:24:38 --> 00:24:41 about that was with the whole like Colorblind
00:24:41 --> 00:24:43 thing versus like not being colorblind thing.
00:24:43 --> 00:24:46 Yeah, is that I still see colors, right? And
00:24:46 --> 00:24:49 I'm like, I just don't see those colors. I'm
00:24:49 --> 00:24:54 what you call an ally I'm an ally Dude, I love
00:24:54 --> 00:24:56 that bro. Like that's really good. That's really
00:24:56 --> 00:24:59 good No, I always thought of my dude like okay.
00:24:59 --> 00:25:03 So if that's red or orange to you That's probably
00:25:03 --> 00:25:05 gonna be like it may look green to me, but it
00:25:05 --> 00:25:07 will be my red or orange you feel it right? You
00:25:07 --> 00:25:09 know I'm saying so it's like is it red and orange
00:25:09 --> 00:25:12 to you. Yeah. Oh my god. No totally It's red
00:25:12 --> 00:25:15 and orange for me as well What do you see that's
00:25:15 --> 00:25:18 a let's compare notes those things only go when
00:25:18 --> 00:25:21 my toilet flushes really so right it only turns
00:25:21 --> 00:25:27 on When I see a horny toad All the buttons went
00:25:27 --> 00:25:34 gray. Oh no! Dude, I found it. Oh yeah, finally.
00:25:35 --> 00:25:38 Right? This is called... It just started making
00:25:38 --> 00:25:40 everything hot. I really need to probably turn
00:25:40 --> 00:25:44 that off. I'm very sorry. The first episode,
00:25:44 --> 00:25:47 we're like, I have a soundboard. He's playing
00:25:47 --> 00:25:51 DDR. Dude, I've never been able to use it. I've
00:25:51 --> 00:25:56 just had it. It works now. Congratulations, guinea
00:25:56 --> 00:25:59 pig. Right? Dude, I'm happy that you can help
00:25:59 --> 00:26:02 me out with it. Right? It's really awesome. I'm
00:26:02 --> 00:26:05 also kind of curious to see if it actually comes
00:26:05 --> 00:26:08 up when I'm... If we hear it, does the soundboard
00:26:08 --> 00:26:10 pick it up, or is it just going to be we're reacting
00:26:10 --> 00:26:17 to no sound? Dude that would be fucking epic
00:26:17 --> 00:26:20 like basically we hear with they here like we're
00:26:20 --> 00:26:25 just going ha ha ha ha yeah, we just stopped
00:26:25 --> 00:26:30 talking every once in a while Yeah, when I do
00:26:30 --> 00:26:32 the when I do the sound later, I'm like dude
00:26:32 --> 00:26:35 That's it's gonna be really funny to go back
00:26:35 --> 00:26:37 and listen to right. He's just like I know I
00:26:37 --> 00:26:41 had a sound effect There's no rim shots. I have
00:26:41 --> 00:26:44 to insert my own right. Oh god royalty for free
00:26:44 --> 00:26:48 rim shot Yeah, shout out pexels and pixabay.
00:26:48 --> 00:26:51 That's where I get all my free stuff from You
00:26:51 --> 00:26:53 mean your sound or just free stuff sound I go
00:26:53 --> 00:26:56 to their house They give me microwaves and blenders
00:26:56 --> 00:27:00 hello pexels, so we meet again You know you didn't
00:27:00 --> 00:27:03 return my phone call. I went to dinner alone
00:27:04 --> 00:27:08 But yeah, that's where I'd get sound from. I
00:27:08 --> 00:27:12 also get free clips. That's always good. Yeah,
00:27:12 --> 00:27:16 if anybody videotapes. I get 9mm, 40 cal, free
00:27:16 --> 00:27:19 clips. Right, yeah, a couple of magazines. Oh
00:27:19 --> 00:27:20 dude, you wanna know something funny actually?
00:27:20 --> 00:27:24 For a long time, I was like, you know, putting
00:27:24 --> 00:27:28 in, you know, filmed in Austin, right? And I
00:27:28 --> 00:27:32 had a city that I would post thinking it was
00:27:32 --> 00:27:35 fucking Austin. Yeah, and then I didn't know
00:27:35 --> 00:27:38 it was Detroit the whole time dude. It was Dallas
00:27:38 --> 00:27:41 I was enough. I sent it to my girlfriend. I was
00:27:41 --> 00:27:44 like hey What city is this and she's like that's
00:27:44 --> 00:27:46 Dallas and I was like are you sure no? That's
00:27:46 --> 00:27:48 not Dallas gotta be you know that big ball on
00:27:48 --> 00:27:51 the stick. I said that's downtown, dude I'll
00:27:51 --> 00:27:53 put in a Chad GBT and everything and it was like,
00:27:53 --> 00:27:56 oh, that's Dallas. I was like, oh bro I've been
00:27:56 --> 00:27:59 saying filmed in Austin this whole fucking time
00:27:59 --> 00:28:02 So so now what I do is I choose like like last
00:28:02 --> 00:28:04 week was the Vatican and I said filmed in Austin
00:28:04 --> 00:28:06 Yeah, you know, so that's basically what I've
00:28:06 --> 00:28:09 been doing but you got filmed in the Vatican.
00:28:09 --> 00:28:11 It's you get a green screen We're in the Vatican
00:28:11 --> 00:28:15 now. Pope's walking towards us. Every time I'm
00:28:15 --> 00:28:19 filming, I have white smoke. I've picked a new
00:28:19 --> 00:28:24 host. It's like purple smoke coming up. That's
00:28:24 --> 00:28:29 when we're going for our ethnic crowd. Is there
00:28:29 --> 00:28:32 a thing with that purple thing? I'm good. Purple
00:28:32 --> 00:28:37 rain, purple rain. I always liked purple. What's
00:28:37 --> 00:28:38 your favorite color? Do you have a favorite color?
00:28:39 --> 00:28:41 I'm just like I've always liked purple turn around
00:28:41 --> 00:28:46 really Where is it? I can't see it Okay, everything
00:28:46 --> 00:28:48 behind me is yellow. Is it your shirts purple?
00:28:48 --> 00:28:50 You just see a big -ass frog. You're like what?
00:28:52 --> 00:28:55 Telling me a favorite color is green. We're all
00:28:55 --> 00:29:00 killing It just shanks you right oh So that's
00:29:00 --> 00:29:03 how they pay us. I love I love how we barely
00:29:03 --> 00:29:08 talked about fucking comedy Tell us more about
00:29:08 --> 00:29:11 stand -up. Every two minutes, you know? But these
00:29:11 --> 00:29:13 kind of episodes are always like really refreshing
00:29:13 --> 00:29:15 when you're just like fucking just going. Like,
00:29:15 --> 00:29:18 oh man. It's like, I love talking to people and
00:29:18 --> 00:29:20 I love getting like, you know, really deep and
00:29:20 --> 00:29:22 I love hearing their stories. But every now and
00:29:22 --> 00:29:24 again it's fun to cut up. We're doing 30 minutes
00:29:24 --> 00:29:30 on frogs. Yeah, exactly, dude. It's like, not
00:29:30 --> 00:29:34 all frogs lay eggs, you know? Just the ones I
00:29:34 --> 00:29:37 bring home. They really need to stay away from
00:29:37 --> 00:29:40 the walls. No, actually, I should get a few frogs
00:29:40 --> 00:29:42 in here, dude. You ever seen, like, one of those
00:29:42 --> 00:29:45 big -ass tree frogs? Yeah, yeah. Those, like,
00:29:45 --> 00:29:48 big Cuban tree frogs? They look adorable when
00:29:48 --> 00:29:50 they're in a picture form, but you get up close.
00:29:51 --> 00:29:53 Damn it, Bobby! Damn it, Bobby! Stop sucking
00:29:53 --> 00:29:56 on frogs! You ever seen that King of the Hill
00:29:56 --> 00:29:58 where somebody told Bobby that if you throw an
00:29:58 --> 00:30:00 egg at a tornado, the tornado would suck it and,
00:30:00 --> 00:30:02 like, push it through a house? And then so Bobby
00:30:02 --> 00:30:05 goes and throws the egg at the tornado, and then
00:30:05 --> 00:30:08 comes back and slaps him in the face. Oh, that's
00:30:08 --> 00:30:11 awesome. They're telling that to children. If
00:30:11 --> 00:30:14 you throw the egg at the homeless man, he'll
00:30:14 --> 00:30:16 just say thank you and start eating it. Yeah,
00:30:16 --> 00:30:18 I love how they sat there and told that to a
00:30:18 --> 00:30:21 kid. I mean, the first thing he does is - Now,
00:30:21 --> 00:30:23 don't do this. Right? It's like when Bart finds
00:30:23 --> 00:30:26 out if you give jet -pressed rives to birds,
00:30:26 --> 00:30:29 they explode. Oh, dude, I haven't seen that.
00:30:29 --> 00:30:31 I really haven't seen. I think it was in the
00:30:31 --> 00:30:32 Simpsons movie, which they're apparently coming
00:30:32 --> 00:30:35 out with a new one. Oh, really? Yeah. I was like,
00:30:35 --> 00:30:38 yeah, dude, that's a really nice legendary show
00:30:38 --> 00:30:41 about people who are severely jaundiced. Yeah,
00:30:42 --> 00:30:46 and about children being abused for our enjoyment.
00:30:46 --> 00:30:53 Yeah, Jeremy cut that out Oh shit wrong I need
00:30:53 --> 00:30:55 my own soundboard for whenever he does the wrong
00:30:55 --> 00:30:58 soundboard. I'm like, haha. Oh, dude That's a
00:30:58 --> 00:31:00 good it's give me a good idea man. Oh double
00:31:00 --> 00:31:04 soundboard shit. We're gonna soundboard off Yeah,
00:31:04 --> 00:31:05 I'm gonna give you like completely different
00:31:05 --> 00:31:08 sounds. I'm not gonna label. It's just 20 farts
00:31:08 --> 00:31:12 Me uh Alden and Shobb when Alden was on here
00:31:12 --> 00:31:17 he got into like which farts were like His favorite.
00:31:17 --> 00:31:18 His favorite in which we're like the funniest
00:31:18 --> 00:31:21 and like the best ones that people react to.
00:31:21 --> 00:31:24 Always the wet ones. Yeah, so do you think the
00:31:24 --> 00:31:25 wet ones are like funny or do you think those
00:31:25 --> 00:31:28 are kind of gross? When they're not happening
00:31:28 --> 00:31:34 to me. If I'm not the one suffering, it's always
00:31:34 --> 00:31:39 funny no matter what it is. When they're not
00:31:39 --> 00:31:43 happening. I mean, ironically, I recently discovered
00:31:43 --> 00:31:47 this product called Bean No. Be no, right? Yeah,
00:31:47 --> 00:31:51 dude be no, dude This would be a very different
00:31:51 --> 00:31:55 podcast if I hadn't taken it. Oh The fuck dude
00:31:55 --> 00:31:58 would be the sound effect. You would need a new
00:31:58 --> 00:32:00 chair and I would need new pants Probably a new
00:32:00 --> 00:32:06 girlfriend. Oh my god, dude. Yeah be no When
00:32:06 --> 00:32:10 it's not happening to me everything's great if
00:32:10 --> 00:32:13 I'm just watching it happen Dude, I think that's
00:32:13 --> 00:32:17 my favorite favorite part of this podcast It's
00:32:17 --> 00:32:19 just as long as it's not happening to me. Yeah,
00:32:19 --> 00:32:22 if my insurance isn't being hit by this I'm fine.
00:32:22 --> 00:32:26 Yeah, my farts are usually just like In and out
00:32:26 --> 00:32:28 I'm like now the problem is I've got one of those
00:32:28 --> 00:32:32 Squatty potties or like lift your leg off the
00:32:32 --> 00:32:33 ground so you can have an easier time taking
00:32:33 --> 00:32:36 a shit you have those Yeah, how is it? everything
00:32:36 --> 00:32:41 comes out I Don't know the answer that I was
00:32:41 --> 00:32:47 expecting How is it? Useful. I legit don't know
00:32:47 --> 00:32:49 the answer, I was expecting. I nicknamed it the
00:32:49 --> 00:32:56 Excavator. Yeah dude, the bulldozer. Right? There's
00:32:56 --> 00:33:01 a guy with a hard hat inside. Deliver! Pop the
00:33:01 --> 00:33:04 builders inside my toilet! Dude. Yes we can.
00:33:04 --> 00:33:09 So my girlfriend at her job, they did... Excuse
00:33:09 --> 00:33:13 me. My girlfriend had her job. They did what
00:33:13 --> 00:33:15 was it white elephant? Mm -hmm, which I still
00:33:15 --> 00:33:17 don't understand. Why is it gonna be white, right?
00:33:18 --> 00:33:20 They did that. We can't do that, can we? Why
00:33:20 --> 00:33:22 does it gotta be white? Like, you know, right?
00:33:22 --> 00:33:28 Why does it gotta be? Why does it gotta be? I
00:33:28 --> 00:33:30 uh, I spazzed out there. Oh, I'm sorry. I was
00:33:30 --> 00:33:36 mouthing words. Oh, you were? Let's see. Hey
00:33:36 --> 00:33:38 Wait is it even working for you? It sounds like
00:33:38 --> 00:33:40 a robot on your end. On my end, but not your
00:33:40 --> 00:33:43 end. Right. It's not working on your end. No
00:33:43 --> 00:33:48 doctor, please insert. It's like a robot voice.
00:33:48 --> 00:33:51 Dang dude. I forgot the batteries, I'm sorry.
00:33:51 --> 00:33:54 Dude, this is... Plug it in, Jim. Plug it in.
00:33:54 --> 00:33:57 This is a colorful episode, dude. This is like
00:33:57 --> 00:34:00 a tie -dyed episode. Here's your three minutes
00:34:00 --> 00:34:02 on comedy, and everything else is just, we threw
00:34:02 --> 00:34:05 a big bag of shit at the wall. Yeah, it's just
00:34:05 --> 00:34:08 like, just fuck it. Let's go, dude. Just give
00:34:08 --> 00:34:11 me a fucking mic. Give me everything. Yeah, let's
00:34:11 --> 00:34:13 fuck. You wanna talk? We're gonna talk, dude.
00:34:13 --> 00:34:18 We're gonna make it awkward and weird. Brother.
00:34:18 --> 00:34:21 Yeah, brother. Dude so to continue with my white
00:34:21 --> 00:34:24 elephant story right so somebody got a squatty
00:34:24 --> 00:34:27 potty at and heard White elephant thing and I
00:34:27 --> 00:34:29 remember just being like and what the fuck is
00:34:29 --> 00:34:31 that I never even heard of that before Yeah,
00:34:32 --> 00:34:35 well, it's very popular in the Middle East nice.
00:34:35 --> 00:34:43 Oh Where's the rim shot art there we go, but
00:34:43 --> 00:34:46 no that's actually What they uh, actually had
00:34:46 --> 00:34:48 a couple of curtis roommates for a while and
00:34:48 --> 00:34:50 they were very happy to see the squatty potty
00:34:50 --> 00:34:54 Really? Yeah, I helped get them a couple of jobs
00:34:54 --> 00:35:00 with the u .s military That sounds so wrong only
00:35:00 --> 00:35:09 bombs No, it was uh speaking of which i've got
00:35:09 --> 00:35:11 an I have to interview for them again tomorrow
00:35:11 --> 00:35:15 because i've They uh, they'll call you up the
00:35:15 --> 00:35:18 like FBI nice to be like, are you do you recommend
00:35:18 --> 00:35:20 this person for it? I'm like, yeah, he goes to
00:35:20 --> 00:35:22 strip clubs and plays baseball and he's good
00:35:22 --> 00:35:29 for the for government secrets Yeah, insert explosion
00:35:29 --> 00:35:32 here, right I mean, um, I think I can talk about
00:35:32 --> 00:35:34 this other one. I don't if I don't say their
00:35:34 --> 00:35:39 names. Is that okay? Yeah, so They had to do
00:35:39 --> 00:35:43 an english test To prove that they could write
00:35:43 --> 00:35:50 in English so I Definitely helped write them
00:35:50 --> 00:35:53 an essay, but all I did was complain about Walmart
00:35:53 --> 00:35:58 And they got the job You talked about rollbacks
00:35:58 --> 00:36:01 for like two hours It's making everyone's life
00:36:01 --> 00:36:03 the same Walmart is the devil or whatever and
00:36:03 --> 00:36:06 they're like, oh, that's good English Perfect.
00:36:06 --> 00:36:09 Yeah, you can talk to generals and tell them
00:36:09 --> 00:36:12 secrets Yeah, they're like, all right, listen,
00:36:12 --> 00:36:14 dude. All right, so that they're located on aisle
00:36:14 --> 00:36:19 six right next to the tires and the oil Wait,
00:36:19 --> 00:36:20 what are you talking about? We're not a fucking
00:36:20 --> 00:36:26 Walmart. Oh, oh, oh the bad guys. Oh my bad Yeah,
00:36:26 --> 00:36:28 they work at the checkout line. Yeah, they're
00:36:28 --> 00:36:33 the greeters I even had although one one time
00:36:33 --> 00:36:37 to make sure that they were doing the test. Mm
00:36:37 --> 00:36:41 -hmm. They used a webcam And this was it worked
00:36:41 --> 00:36:45 So I had to like stand behind the computer while
00:36:45 --> 00:36:47 he pointed it at my empty apartment and I have
00:36:47 --> 00:36:50 to like circle around him while they Examine
00:36:50 --> 00:36:52 everything to make sure no one's there to take
00:36:52 --> 00:36:54 the test for them So then I'm just hanging behind
00:36:54 --> 00:36:57 the table just typing it for him while he just
00:36:57 --> 00:37:01 sits there pretending to be typing Dude you pulled
00:37:01 --> 00:37:07 a little rascals They got the job and I still
00:37:07 --> 00:37:08 haven't gotten a kickback for it. Oh my god,
00:37:09 --> 00:37:10 dude What do you do? Are you like some kind of
00:37:10 --> 00:37:14 proctor or something or no? I am I'm a private
00:37:14 --> 00:37:17 security You're in private security. Yeah with
00:37:17 --> 00:37:20 a gun. Oh Yeah, it sounds cooler for five seconds.
00:37:20 --> 00:37:23 And I so I'm the guy at the total booth that
00:37:23 --> 00:37:25 says You can't come in sir. So you're like a
00:37:25 --> 00:37:28 level 3 security guard? Yes. Oh dude, that is
00:37:28 --> 00:37:32 so fucking funny, man. That is such a crazy coincidence.
00:37:33 --> 00:37:35 I literally went to a job interview today for
00:37:35 --> 00:37:39 a level 2 security job. Nice. Well hey, my company's
00:37:39 --> 00:37:43 hiring. What kind of interview is this? I think
00:37:43 --> 00:37:46 he's cool. We talked about frogs for an hour.
00:37:46 --> 00:37:48 Yeah, it's like dude his whole fucking thing
00:37:48 --> 00:37:51 is about Walmart. Walmart's involved in everything.
00:37:51 --> 00:37:55 Right. Dude, do you like conspiracy theories?
00:37:56 --> 00:38:00 Sure. I don't know too many, other than lizard
00:38:00 --> 00:38:03 people. You're like me, where you like them,
00:38:03 --> 00:38:05 but you don't know too much about them. No, I
00:38:05 --> 00:38:07 like to hear about them. I'm like, you believe
00:38:07 --> 00:38:10 that? Oh, cool. Yeah, how far do you live away
00:38:10 --> 00:38:13 from me and how far can I move? I know dude.
00:38:13 --> 00:38:15 There's always something man There's always some
00:38:15 --> 00:38:16 kind of conspiracy theory that hits you a little
00:38:16 --> 00:38:18 bit hard. You're like dude. What they're like.
00:38:18 --> 00:38:21 That's a little too close to home It needs to
00:38:21 --> 00:38:25 stop man All right, how strong is the beano and
00:38:25 --> 00:38:28 are you holding it back a fart this entire time,
00:38:28 --> 00:38:31 right? The me the beano This episode sponsored
00:38:31 --> 00:38:35 by beano. Yeah. Thank you beano. No farts By
00:38:35 --> 00:38:39 the way, this would have been a very It's been
00:38:39 --> 00:38:42 a problem It's been a medical issue I've been
00:38:42 --> 00:38:45 fighting for a while then my friend goes I take
00:38:45 --> 00:38:50 be no I'm like, oh really Amazon deliver brought
00:38:50 --> 00:38:53 to you by be no and squatty potty. Yeah, and
00:38:53 --> 00:38:59 also tied pods Don't eat them again What do what
00:38:59 --> 00:39:02 was that about? They were colorful like candy
00:39:02 --> 00:39:05 and they someone probably sued or lost a child
00:39:05 --> 00:39:08 I hope they got paid. Yeah, right Jeremy cut
00:39:08 --> 00:39:11 that out. All right, then the JRB Jamie Jeremy
00:39:11 --> 00:39:15 there's like it's just us. It's just us four
00:39:15 --> 00:39:17 people in his little room I literally think it's
00:39:17 --> 00:39:20 not even ten feet. Nah, it is it's ten feet.
00:39:20 --> 00:39:22 No, it's a hundred feet You have no idea what's
00:39:22 --> 00:39:24 behind this curtain. Don't know it's behind there.
00:39:25 --> 00:39:30 It's a hornet He's just been Yeah, I'm gonna
00:39:30 --> 00:39:35 suck your legs tonight Right are you French actually
00:39:35 --> 00:39:39 I am Everybody can be French when it comes to
00:39:39 --> 00:39:46 frogs. What's your ethnicity white nice? I was
00:39:46 --> 00:39:50 born of the caucus mountains molded by them more
00:39:50 --> 00:39:54 likely, but Molded by the caucus mountains. No,
00:39:54 --> 00:39:58 I'm actually um, I know half German Part Scottish,
00:39:59 --> 00:40:01 part French, all the white ones. Yeah, but mostly
00:40:01 --> 00:40:06 German. Whoa, what is that? I was saying it wrong.
00:40:06 --> 00:40:10 Oh, oh, oh. Like German. He's like a demon German.
00:40:10 --> 00:40:15 Yeah, don't say that now. We already mentioned
00:40:15 --> 00:40:19 Walmart once. Don't talk about the father. Oh,
00:40:20 --> 00:40:23 wait. There you go. Dude, this one I feel like
00:40:23 --> 00:40:25 I need to put it like right here, just so I can
00:40:25 --> 00:40:27 like hit everything. Oh, yeah. Actually, that
00:40:27 --> 00:40:30 reminded me of how my grandfather got a World
00:40:30 --> 00:40:35 War II Mauser smuggled over from Germany. Wow.
00:40:35 --> 00:40:38 It was like piece by piece. Each individual part,
00:40:39 --> 00:40:41 he mailed home and then reassembled the gun back
00:40:41 --> 00:40:44 home. No way. So my dad's got one of the original.
00:40:45 --> 00:40:53 One of the original 500 guns Do you like that
00:40:53 --> 00:41:06 Spongebob? Oh Patrick Spongebob Spongebob Get
00:41:06 --> 00:41:10 out of my bathroom stop drinking my bath water
00:41:10 --> 00:41:18 mr. Krabs Ah, SpongeBob, come here, I need some
00:41:18 --> 00:41:20 dish soap done. Stop using me to clean my face!
00:41:21 --> 00:41:32 Right? Hey! Hey, SpongeBob! This is definitely
00:41:32 --> 00:41:38 a colorful episode Yeah, these last two are fucking
00:41:38 --> 00:41:45 funny Keegan's was good, too I want to get like
00:41:45 --> 00:41:46 have you ever seen those lava lamps like this
00:41:46 --> 00:41:49 like four foot lava lamps they make those Yeah,
00:41:49 --> 00:41:51 I feel like somebody used one wrong just sat
00:41:51 --> 00:41:54 on it and it broke But then they just became
00:41:54 --> 00:42:01 the lava lamp. Right? I've always wanted to just
00:42:01 --> 00:42:07 break one. They have a YouTube video. They have
00:42:07 --> 00:42:09 a YouTube video where somebody, he does that,
00:42:09 --> 00:42:12 he shoots them. Like his whole thing is shooting
00:42:12 --> 00:42:15 lava lamps. He's got like, what, a million subs?
00:42:16 --> 00:42:20 Dude, most likely. At this point? Yeah, yeah.
00:42:21 --> 00:42:23 Yeah, most likely my father was killed by a lava
00:42:23 --> 00:42:27 lamp. It's my favorite channel It's like yeah,
00:42:27 --> 00:42:30 I was having a magma lamp, but it didn't do anything
00:42:30 --> 00:42:32 for a long time You know, but you'd be surprised
00:42:32 --> 00:42:35 how many condoms fit on a lava lamp You remember
00:42:35 --> 00:42:38 that Russian guy that used to have that he just
00:42:38 --> 00:42:40 would shoots it off Yeah, just all he had like
00:42:40 --> 00:42:42 tanks like every gun. Yeah, and then YouTube's
00:42:42 --> 00:42:45 like that's too violent Like don't you else show
00:42:45 --> 00:42:48 the news? Yeah, apparently he wasn't even Russian
00:42:48 --> 00:42:50 Something I think I think oh, so they took him
00:42:50 --> 00:42:53 down because he wasn't authentic. Yeah, he wasn't
00:42:53 --> 00:42:55 authentic He wasn't even a real Russian, so apparently
00:42:55 --> 00:42:57 like I think he was actually filming the entire
00:42:57 --> 00:43:01 thing in the States He's in the middle of Wisconsin
00:43:01 --> 00:43:04 right pretty much the neighbors are all afraid
00:43:04 --> 00:43:06 Yeah, you just put on like a fake accent and
00:43:06 --> 00:43:09 just blew shit up I'm like dude you could have
00:43:09 --> 00:43:12 just been normal and just blowed shit up. It
00:43:12 --> 00:43:14 would have been just fine sure you could just
00:43:14 --> 00:43:17 Put a big pile of dirt behind it. You're just
00:43:17 --> 00:43:20 like shooting into the tree line. Yeah What kind
00:43:20 --> 00:43:22 of stuff do you scroll like if you're if you're
00:43:22 --> 00:43:26 scrolling like what are you seeing? a lot of
00:43:26 --> 00:43:34 seals eating fish My Instagram right now is just
00:43:34 --> 00:43:38 a bunch of sea lions just oh My god, it's great.
00:43:38 --> 00:43:40 I love like your eyes when you said that you
00:43:40 --> 00:43:46 were like a lot of seals eating fish So what's
00:43:46 --> 00:43:49 that about dude you got there they got your seal
00:43:49 --> 00:43:54 of approval they of course yeah Dude, I've been
00:43:54 --> 00:43:56 watching a lot of dolphins actually lately, you
00:43:56 --> 00:43:57 know, like I don't know what they even watching
00:43:57 --> 00:44:00 dolphins and what they do to people Thank You
00:44:00 --> 00:44:02 Lisa Frank. They are the second most hornyest
00:44:02 --> 00:44:09 animal next to Lisa Frank Dude I need to get
00:44:09 --> 00:44:12 Lisa Frank on this podcast. I'm out. I'm not
00:44:12 --> 00:44:19 familiar with the name Like I was just yes ending
00:44:19 --> 00:44:22 so in the in the 90s She was like, uh, I probably
00:44:22 --> 00:44:25 should then like an artist and what she would
00:44:25 --> 00:44:27 draw She was a real artist are these like fluorescent
00:44:27 --> 00:44:31 like pictures of like like dolphins and tigers
00:44:31 --> 00:44:33 But the whole thing was like they were all neon
00:44:33 --> 00:44:34 and like fluorescent and they were all trying
00:44:34 --> 00:44:38 to bang each other Have you seen those videos
00:44:38 --> 00:44:40 dolphins are those one of the horniest creatures
00:44:40 --> 00:44:43 on the planet. I heard that I heard pigs are
00:44:43 --> 00:44:45 too Apparently yeah, but we eat the pigs the
00:44:45 --> 00:44:47 dolphins are cute and we swim with dolphins.
00:44:47 --> 00:44:49 I don't like pig Nobody wants to swim with the
00:44:49 --> 00:44:54 pigs I think no depends on the state Did you
00:44:54 --> 00:44:56 so with dolphins? There's like this whole thing
00:44:56 --> 00:44:59 with that like they're it's illegal to approach
00:44:59 --> 00:45:02 them. It's illegal to talk to them Right there
00:45:02 --> 00:45:06 in the witness protection agent What do these
00:45:06 --> 00:45:08 secrets these dolphins have? It's illegal to
00:45:08 --> 00:45:11 call them, you know, right? It's illegal to hang
00:45:11 --> 00:45:13 out with them. You can't go to their birthday
00:45:13 --> 00:45:15 parties. Yeah. Hey, don't do that to that blowhole.
00:45:15 --> 00:45:17 What are you doing? I'm helping them breathe.
00:45:17 --> 00:45:22 It's clogged with me. This really sucks. As a
00:45:22 --> 00:45:25 dolphin, this really sucks. Yeah. As a dolphin,
00:45:25 --> 00:45:28 I do not approve. Yeah, we got blowholes too.
00:45:28 --> 00:45:30 It's just an exit only. Yeah, there's a ton.
00:45:30 --> 00:45:33 Thank you brought to you by be no right brought
00:45:33 --> 00:45:35 to you by it's squatty potty and you know, you
00:45:35 --> 00:45:40 know and Pepto Bismol, you know You have diarrhea
00:45:40 --> 00:45:46 Yeah, mr. Dolphin But yeah, man, it's a yeah,
00:45:46 --> 00:45:48 there's this whole thing around it about you
00:45:48 --> 00:45:50 know, like how it's just highly illegal to even
00:45:50 --> 00:45:56 speak to or do anything to dolphins Not sponsored,
00:45:56 --> 00:45:59 right? My hydration. Yeah, I guess that's why
00:45:59 --> 00:46:01 I was asking you about the, what do you call
00:46:01 --> 00:46:04 it, the fucking conspiracy theories. Yeah. Yeah,
00:46:04 --> 00:46:05 I was just wondering if you had like... The dolphins
00:46:05 --> 00:46:08 are actually people. Yeah. That's what we do
00:46:08 --> 00:46:12 with our perverts. We turn them into fish. Yeah.
00:46:13 --> 00:46:16 Mammal fish. We gotta make sure they're still
00:46:16 --> 00:46:18 fuckable. Dude, I watched one fucking, like one
00:46:18 --> 00:46:22 video about like... It had to be AI or some shit
00:46:22 --> 00:46:24 like that, but it was about a siren, I think
00:46:24 --> 00:46:27 that was in Brazil or something, that came out
00:46:27 --> 00:46:29 of the water. And then somebody filmed it, of
00:46:29 --> 00:46:31 course, and then now... And they took it on a
00:46:31 --> 00:46:33 date, they took it to dinner, and then they never
00:46:33 --> 00:46:35 called them again. Right, and they only brought
00:46:35 --> 00:46:38 it to a sushi restaurant. Once. Right. And left
00:46:38 --> 00:46:42 with one heck of a good tip. But dude, that's
00:46:42 --> 00:46:45 what it's like, man. You watch one video, and
00:46:45 --> 00:46:47 then all of a sudden your entire freaking...
00:46:48 --> 00:46:50 Like what do you call it like yeah your feed
00:46:50 --> 00:46:52 your feed. That's it. Yeah, your entire feed
00:46:52 --> 00:46:58 your entire crack assembly line Why do they call
00:46:58 --> 00:47:00 they call it the feed because that's all they're
00:47:00 --> 00:47:03 giving you right that's what has produced oats
00:47:03 --> 00:47:05 That's what it feels like you know I bet I'm
00:47:05 --> 00:47:07 always interested in like what's in other people's
00:47:07 --> 00:47:09 feeds because mine's just like it's silly as
00:47:09 --> 00:47:11 fuck It's like stand -up comedy now and right
00:47:11 --> 00:47:17 in sirens in Brazil Like a stand -up comedy and
00:47:17 --> 00:47:22 also the fish people are hot I Mean nice cheekbones
00:47:22 --> 00:47:25 for sure and great gills like really good gills.
00:47:25 --> 00:47:29 They can really breathe underwater Yeah, and
00:47:29 --> 00:47:31 then they turn into a giant horny toad right
00:47:31 --> 00:47:35 it's like fuck Damn, they got me again. I can't
00:47:35 --> 00:47:37 escape these fucking things, you know. I thought
00:47:37 --> 00:47:41 these were supposed to be gay. Dude, fucking
00:47:41 --> 00:47:44 horny toads, man. That's gotta be the best name
00:47:44 --> 00:47:48 for a toad. Right? Horny. Dude, you know that's
00:47:48 --> 00:47:50 a thing, man. Like, it's an actual animal. Yeah,
00:47:50 --> 00:47:54 and they got horns. And it's Texas. And they
00:47:54 --> 00:47:57 spit blood. Really? Out of their eyes, yeah.
00:47:57 --> 00:47:58 That's what happens when you leave it on too
00:47:58 --> 00:48:04 long. Why do you think it's turning blue, man?
00:48:05 --> 00:48:08 That's an expandable toad. Do you know what they
00:48:08 --> 00:48:14 eat? On command? Nice. No, they eat like these
00:48:14 --> 00:48:19 weird like... You know frogs that eat bugs? No,
00:48:19 --> 00:48:22 they eat these like little, well not little,
00:48:22 --> 00:48:25 these really big ass ants that they don't make
00:48:25 --> 00:48:29 piles. They make like holes in the ground. And
00:48:29 --> 00:48:32 um, and so I think they call them like cane ants
00:48:32 --> 00:48:35 or something But they don't but they don't really
00:48:35 --> 00:48:37 bite but the horny tones will be like outside
00:48:37 --> 00:48:39 because this is like a crop circle looking thing
00:48:39 --> 00:48:42 That the ants will do and and so they'll show
00:48:42 --> 00:48:44 they're talking to the aliens. Is that the conspiracy
00:48:44 --> 00:48:46 theory? Yeah, dude. Yeah, my horny toes have
00:48:46 --> 00:48:48 been saving us this whole time. My aunt talks
00:48:48 --> 00:48:52 to these aliens Did you see all those like UFO
00:48:52 --> 00:48:54 shits that uh that have been coming out? No,
00:48:54 --> 00:48:57 not recently. Yeah. What you got? So it dude
00:48:57 --> 00:48:59 it looks so fucking stupid. I saw the shit on
00:48:59 --> 00:49:02 reddit this morning and it literally looks like
00:49:02 --> 00:49:05 somebody took like an old hubcap and just went
00:49:05 --> 00:49:08 like Just like through it. It's like quick down
00:49:08 --> 00:49:12 take a picture You gotta get it in midair. Yeah,
00:49:12 --> 00:49:15 you threw it wrong. Dude. That's what it looks
00:49:15 --> 00:49:21 like They're flying for Dude, yeah, I'm like,
00:49:21 --> 00:49:23 I mean if that's all it takes then we can go
00:49:23 --> 00:49:25 to like Goodwill and find plenty of silver things
00:49:25 --> 00:49:28 to throw around right? Yeah, like quite literally
00:49:28 --> 00:49:35 a flying saucer A shopping cart full of like
00:49:35 --> 00:49:37 50 saucers like what are we doing like we're
00:49:37 --> 00:49:40 filming a movie dude. We're gonna be on the news
00:49:40 --> 00:49:42 Oh my god, you know we should do we should like
00:49:42 --> 00:49:46 go and throw like Like different ceramics like
00:49:46 --> 00:49:47 just like coffee mugs and take a picture and
00:49:47 --> 00:49:51 be like, oh fuck Can you believe it? Yeah Folgers
00:49:51 --> 00:49:55 has taken over dude. Yeah I swear I gotta figure
00:49:55 --> 00:49:57 this out somehow but I want to have like to where
00:49:57 --> 00:50:00 I can pull up shit like, you know, like your
00:50:00 --> 00:50:03 mom's house or right Like Joe specifically what
00:50:03 --> 00:50:07 is my dad been up to right? Hey pops, but but
00:50:07 --> 00:50:09 I wish that I had a way that I can pull it up
00:50:09 --> 00:50:11 and be like dude Look, you know, but but yeah
00:50:11 --> 00:50:14 on reddit. It's like it's literally They post
00:50:14 --> 00:50:17 like the archives that the government released
00:50:17 --> 00:50:19 and was like, yeah check out this shit, man They
00:50:19 --> 00:50:21 just put like a filter over it. Yeah, you can
00:50:21 --> 00:50:23 still see the logo of the plate that just says,
00:50:23 --> 00:50:29 you know Ford He got it off of a car. Yeah, and
00:50:29 --> 00:50:31 they're literally like dude. No, seriously. It's
00:50:31 --> 00:50:35 real. Duh. It's a real hubcap Yeah, it's a real
00:50:35 --> 00:50:37 fucking hubcap. You just come out the next day
00:50:37 --> 00:50:39 like where are my hubcaps gone? That kind of
00:50:39 --> 00:50:41 shit yeah exactly yeah that kind of shit interests
00:50:41 --> 00:50:42 the fuck out of me because it's one of those
00:50:42 --> 00:50:45 like It's one of those things like I want it
00:50:45 --> 00:50:47 to be real, but I don't believe it You know you
00:50:47 --> 00:50:49 know what I mean like do you have anything like
00:50:49 --> 00:50:51 that like ghosts or anything like that? I would
00:50:51 --> 00:50:54 love to have a ghost that just cleans my house.
00:50:54 --> 00:50:57 No Yeah, me too. Like that would be kind of fun
00:50:57 --> 00:51:00 to have he's just like washing dishes and doesn't
00:51:00 --> 00:51:04 realize he's dead I'm like hey Frank. How's it
00:51:04 --> 00:51:08 going? Right Just keep scrubbing like the dishes
00:51:08 --> 00:51:09 are just floating getting the self -clean. I'm
00:51:09 --> 00:51:12 like this is the best haunting I've ever had
00:51:12 --> 00:51:20 yeah like Casper I'm the friendly janitor I'll
00:51:20 --> 00:51:23 clean your house. It's like and your pipes ah
00:51:23 --> 00:51:26 Mickey Mouse I think right oh I don't even know
00:51:26 --> 00:51:28 what Casper's voice even sounds like to be honest
00:51:28 --> 00:51:31 with you small child then small a small boy who
00:51:31 --> 00:51:36 died Yes, he's friendly In death and he really
00:51:36 --> 00:51:42 wanted Christina Ricci a lot. Yeah Do you believe
00:51:42 --> 00:51:45 in that shit you believe in ghosts I do to a
00:51:45 --> 00:51:49 certain degree Depends on well, okay, I get they
00:51:49 --> 00:51:51 become extra real if I ever get tricked into
00:51:51 --> 00:51:56 walking through a graveyard I Think at that point
00:51:56 --> 00:51:58 it's like I don't believe you know how they got
00:51:58 --> 00:52:00 me again You could go in and be like, I don't
00:52:00 --> 00:52:01 believe in that shit. Hell no, but you're going
00:52:01 --> 00:52:03 to a graveyard. You're gonna be like Alright,
00:52:03 --> 00:52:06 I believe in a little something. I think if you
00:52:06 --> 00:52:09 only go to the expensive tombstones Those are
00:52:09 --> 00:52:12 the safe ones because they had a better life
00:52:12 --> 00:52:15 Yeah, dude, I don't I don't believe in it, you
00:52:15 --> 00:52:17 know, I do respect people who do I don't but
00:52:17 --> 00:52:19 I don't personally believe in it You know, but
00:52:19 --> 00:52:22 I always get I'm very curious but people who
00:52:22 --> 00:52:25 do you know? Cuz I'm always like what what like
00:52:25 --> 00:52:27 where did that come from? Like why do you think
00:52:27 --> 00:52:30 that they're real? I definitely had friends that
00:52:30 --> 00:52:34 believed in it Yeah, and it reminded me of us
00:52:34 --> 00:52:38 of a story my friend Russell and a Back story
00:52:38 --> 00:52:41 for him. He's got spina bifida. So he had no
00:52:41 --> 00:52:43 muscles in his legs and was permanently in crutches
00:52:43 --> 00:52:45 That's the only sad part about him. We call him
00:52:45 --> 00:52:52 penguin Because he loves penguins Nothing to
00:52:52 --> 00:52:54 do with his waddle. That's that's how I know
00:52:54 --> 00:52:57 y 'all are good friends, though When people can
00:52:57 --> 00:52:59 play like that. Then we bought him a big stuffed
00:52:59 --> 00:53:01 penguin that he nicknamed Gwen and we were convinced
00:53:01 --> 00:53:11 he was fucking it. You know he was, dude. He
00:53:11 --> 00:53:16 had a lot of give on that tail feather. Oh, man,
00:53:16 --> 00:53:19 that's why I don't have a fucking lamb chop Muppet
00:53:19 --> 00:53:24 anymore That was the song that never end so this
00:53:24 --> 00:53:27 was a story where he was a Bunch of them decided
00:53:27 --> 00:53:29 thought it'd be fun to try to have like some
00:53:29 --> 00:53:32 weird picnic late at night in a graveyard And
00:53:32 --> 00:53:34 then one of them hears a weird noise and they
00:53:34 --> 00:53:38 all start running Russell cannot mmm, so he's
00:53:38 --> 00:53:41 just He's just like in the woods like guys, you
00:53:41 --> 00:53:45 know, I can't run right? Yeah, just can't keep
00:53:45 --> 00:53:47 up like if that was Camp Crystal like I think
00:53:47 --> 00:53:49 Jason would have been like you've had enough
00:53:49 --> 00:53:51 and just leaves them and goes kills his friends
00:53:51 --> 00:53:55 Holy shit, so y 'all left them in a graveyard.
00:53:55 --> 00:53:57 I wasn't there. I was told the story I'm the
00:53:57 --> 00:54:00 good friend of course that wasn't invited to
00:54:00 --> 00:54:06 hang out naturally Yeah, I was kidding here for
00:54:06 --> 00:54:11 a second there What? Tell us more so you weren't
00:54:11 --> 00:54:13 you weren't invited to hang out No, no, it was
00:54:13 --> 00:54:15 just one day but I was told about it later and
00:54:15 --> 00:54:18 that they were running away like there's a Ghost
00:54:18 --> 00:54:20 or whatever in the woods were all scared and
00:54:20 --> 00:54:22 they're running away terrified and he's just
00:54:22 --> 00:54:24 come on Dude, nobody was like and they tried
00:54:24 --> 00:54:27 yelling at him. Hurry up Russell like I can't
00:54:27 --> 00:54:29 run Yeah, nobody like threw him over a shoulder
00:54:29 --> 00:54:31 and nothing that would have made more sense.
00:54:31 --> 00:54:35 It's like he's not that big a guy No, fuck you
00:54:35 --> 00:54:37 didn't like y 'all just left the ghosts are gonna
00:54:37 --> 00:54:41 get me if they Thanks, Russell. Sorry, Hot Wheels.
00:54:43 --> 00:54:45 Take it one for the team, you know. Dude, the
00:54:45 --> 00:54:48 most fucking ghostly thing that ever happened
00:54:48 --> 00:54:50 to me was we were, it was like me and a small
00:54:50 --> 00:54:55 group of people, and it was a small, me and a
00:54:55 --> 00:54:56 small group of people, we go out and we're hunting
00:54:56 --> 00:54:59 for mushrooms. Alright, we're trying like this
00:54:59 --> 00:55:02 explains the ghosts, right? So we didn't find
00:55:02 --> 00:55:04 any but we thought I are dude Let's go fucking
00:55:04 --> 00:55:07 turn over some cow patties and shit like that,
00:55:07 --> 00:55:09 right? All right, we thought okay, cool. We're
00:55:09 --> 00:55:11 gonna find a bunch of you flip it over It's the
00:55:11 --> 00:55:13 face of Jesus, right? We got to sell this on
00:55:13 --> 00:55:16 eBay Jesus Christ, you know, I don't know. So
00:55:16 --> 00:55:19 of course we had like this one Of course, we
00:55:19 --> 00:55:21 had this whole fucking thing where we're like,
00:55:21 --> 00:55:22 all right, dude, like we're gonna go do this
00:55:22 --> 00:55:26 shit Right, but we go at night And so we're trying
00:55:26 --> 00:55:30 to walk through these woods to get to this like
00:55:30 --> 00:55:33 Pasture where there's like cows I guess you know
00:55:33 --> 00:55:35 and probably cows in this pasture or we're breaking
00:55:35 --> 00:55:37 into someone's property for no reason We're just
00:55:37 --> 00:55:39 going to like a random fucking field or they're
00:55:39 --> 00:55:40 probably just a playground. We didn't fucking
00:55:40 --> 00:55:43 know any better You know so so we go to this
00:55:43 --> 00:55:46 So we go to this pasture or we're trying to get
00:55:46 --> 00:55:47 to this pasture and we're going through these
00:55:47 --> 00:55:51 woods and As we're kind of navigating our way
00:55:51 --> 00:55:54 through the woods There was a like all of a sudden
00:55:54 --> 00:55:56 like everybody fucking heard it like all of a
00:55:56 --> 00:55:59 sudden there was like a whisper And it was like
00:55:59 --> 00:56:01 none of us and take down your pants children
00:56:01 --> 00:56:05 You're right Give me your balls, you know one
00:56:05 --> 00:56:08 at a time But yeah, I brought a toad but dude
00:56:08 --> 00:56:11 like everybody started fucking running and like
00:56:11 --> 00:56:13 I kind of like waited and then for some reason
00:56:13 --> 00:56:16 like I guess like the energy Was like a little
00:56:16 --> 00:56:18 weird now that you're alone. So she's giving
00:56:18 --> 00:56:25 you a massage. Yeah My shoulders feel great cold.
00:56:26 --> 00:56:28 Yeah, it's like dang dude that ghost got big
00:56:28 --> 00:56:35 titties. It's a ghost busty I'm afraid of no
00:56:35 --> 00:56:41 ghost busting busters Ghost busties brought to
00:56:41 --> 00:56:45 you by pasties, you know, right? So what's uh,
00:56:45 --> 00:56:49 what's gonna be new for you with comedy man?
00:56:49 --> 00:56:51 Like we're we're you trying to get to you which
00:56:51 --> 00:56:54 goals bud. Um, I my goal originally was just
00:56:54 --> 00:56:58 to make my parents Paid less attention to my
00:56:58 --> 00:57:04 little sister Now we'll cut that part. So oh
00:57:04 --> 00:57:08 For a while I just I didn't she kept would she
00:57:08 --> 00:57:11 would send like, here's my yarn thing I made
00:57:11 --> 00:57:13 of a creature and just would constantly send
00:57:13 --> 00:57:16 pictures of food, other things, be unavailable
00:57:16 --> 00:57:19 to cut. I had sent like a month ago, because
00:57:19 --> 00:57:24 Velveeta was my first paid show. So I sent out
00:57:24 --> 00:57:27 invites to all events. I spent like, I was waiting
00:57:27 --> 00:57:30 for two years to tell my parents about it. And
00:57:30 --> 00:57:32 then I ended up sending that. Picture up to the
00:57:32 --> 00:57:35 group that says hey come to this thing and the
00:57:35 --> 00:57:37 first response I get back from my little sister
00:57:37 --> 00:57:40 is we'll be busy in Arkansas Too busy driving
00:57:40 --> 00:57:45 back. Oh that sucks. So I'm like ah you Punta
00:57:45 --> 00:57:57 I said punta so it's safe for the internet I've
00:57:57 --> 00:57:59 gone to like a several different shows there
00:57:59 --> 00:58:01 and A few times I would like talk to the guy
00:58:01 --> 00:58:03 at the entrance like hey How do I get onto this
00:58:03 --> 00:58:05 stage at some point? And they're like you got
00:58:05 --> 00:58:07 a message so and so online and hope they respond
00:58:07 --> 00:58:11 back And thanks to the guy that does follow through
00:58:11 --> 00:58:15 he you can find find him on instagram They gave
00:58:15 --> 00:58:17 him a spot and he decided to ask me if I wanted
00:58:17 --> 00:58:21 to do one and I was like, yes Let's go. Oh, yeah,
00:58:21 --> 00:58:23 and I find like oh, it's a paid spot so I sent
00:58:23 --> 00:58:26 the invite out to my folks and They're like,
00:58:26 --> 00:58:28 that's pretty cool. And then they went to the
00:58:28 --> 00:58:31 website and the Velveeta had not updated the
00:58:31 --> 00:58:38 flyer. Oh, and my sister, my I got myself a charley
00:58:38 --> 00:58:42 horse. Oh, there's a frog in my leg. Oh, my gosh.
00:58:43 --> 00:58:45 Everything is just falling apart. Cameras going
00:58:45 --> 00:58:49 off like all right. Next episode will be in it.
00:58:49 --> 00:58:51 Damn. Hold on, let me stretch that. There we
00:58:51 --> 00:58:54 go. You okay? Ah, now we're not almost 40. You
00:58:54 --> 00:58:56 need some potassium? I think I got some banana
00:58:56 --> 00:58:57 skin somewhere. Man, I had a banana on the way
00:58:57 --> 00:59:00 here. I gotta be hydrated for this. Right? Got
00:59:00 --> 00:59:03 my beano, got my banana. Got my squatty potty.
00:59:04 --> 00:59:06 I'm gonna pinch out a loaf and be like, I left
00:59:06 --> 00:59:11 history. Exactly. So. Well, um. But I think it
00:59:11 --> 00:59:13 had sent out to them, and they said like, we'll
00:59:13 --> 00:59:17 be there. But it was supposed to be a surprise.
00:59:18 --> 00:59:22 My girlfriend told me, hey, can you buy two tickets
00:59:22 --> 00:59:24 for my friends, which apparently was my parents
00:59:24 --> 00:59:25 and I didn't know she was trying to get them
00:59:25 --> 00:59:28 to show up as a surprise. But when they went
00:59:28 --> 00:59:29 to the website, they're like, Chris, your name's
00:59:29 --> 00:59:32 not on the flyer. I'm like, no, no, I'm the one
00:59:32 --> 00:59:33 that's been making the new ones. We just keep
00:59:33 --> 00:59:36 changing it. I swear I'm not making this up to
00:59:36 --> 00:59:41 try to be impressive. Right. Yeah. Oh, man. So
00:59:41 --> 00:59:42 yeah, it was a little bit of a cluster, I guess.
00:59:42 --> 00:59:45 Yeah. So while they're about to be on the way,
00:59:45 --> 00:59:47 they're in the car driving. My dad gets called
00:59:47 --> 00:59:49 to work. And I'm like, this feels a lot like
00:59:49 --> 00:59:51 you made that up just so you didn't have to drive
00:59:51 --> 00:59:55 through some bad weather. But they're like, so
00:59:55 --> 00:59:59 the next thing I'm trying to do is Cap City's
00:59:59 --> 01:00:01 funniest person in Austin. So I'll tell them
01:00:01 --> 01:00:05 like, y 'all can show up to that one and I need
01:00:05 --> 01:00:07 you to bring about 50 friends so I can win the
01:00:07 --> 01:00:10 first round. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, unfortunately,
01:00:10 --> 01:00:12 that's how it works. The first round is a bringer
01:00:12 --> 01:00:15 show. The more people you bring, you get to go
01:00:15 --> 01:00:17 on to the next round. Because they don't vote
01:00:17 --> 01:00:22 on if you're funny or not. No, they don't. That's
01:00:22 --> 01:00:24 just how that one works. They don't initially
01:00:24 --> 01:00:26 vote for people. Like the people that run it
01:00:26 --> 01:00:28 don't vote for you. It's all based on who all
01:00:28 --> 01:00:30 is there. If you can convince them to vote for
01:00:30 --> 01:00:32 you instead of their friend, and they go, no,
01:00:32 --> 01:00:35 no, I totally voted for you. My friend's like,
01:00:35 --> 01:00:39 send. Right? Yeah, no, I feel that, dude. So
01:00:39 --> 01:00:41 do you have anything that you want to put out?
01:00:41 --> 01:00:44 Like anything that you want to tell the audience
01:00:44 --> 01:00:55 here? Sorry, dude, I fucking hit the wrong button
01:00:55 --> 01:01:03 again I guess I could give a few Shoutouts definitely
01:01:03 --> 01:01:07 to simply Courtney for giving me a lot of spots
01:01:07 --> 01:01:10 over at a tiniest bar even on his his own show
01:01:10 --> 01:01:14 along for the vibes I would definitely say a
01:01:14 --> 01:01:17 Jordan Yates for getting me started in a writing
01:01:17 --> 01:01:21 group with those guys Heath under hill Oh look
01:01:21 --> 01:01:24 Yes, follow through comedy follow that file you
01:01:24 --> 01:01:28 can find them on Instagram as well as the vet
01:01:28 --> 01:01:30 the Veil follow the Velveeta room because maybe
01:01:30 --> 01:01:36 they'll give me more spots, please no and You
01:01:36 --> 01:01:40 can find me on Instagram at link is not Zelda
01:01:40 --> 01:01:46 Nice nice many people that are just like like
01:01:46 --> 01:01:48 It's the Legend of Zelda, right? Isn't it? Isn't
01:01:48 --> 01:01:50 that the characters? It's in the title. I'm like,
01:01:50 --> 01:01:53 no, they've never addressed that. I love how
01:01:53 --> 01:01:57 clever that is, man. Oh yeah, man. Well, thank
01:01:57 --> 01:01:59 you so much for being on, dude. Oh, it's been
01:01:59 --> 01:02:01 a blast. Man, yeah, this was a lot of fun, dude.
01:02:01 --> 01:02:06 On bombs. Yeah. Only bombs, see? Right? Exactly.
01:02:06 --> 01:02:10 You need an explosion button. Dude, what the
01:02:10 --> 01:02:12 fuck? Yes, I do, man. I do. I'm gonna put it
01:02:12 --> 01:02:15 in tonight. I will program my explosion next
01:02:15 --> 01:02:19 to my heart. Hell yeah, dude. For good ideas.
01:02:20 --> 01:02:23 Hell yeah. All right, brother. Thank you so much,
01:02:23 --> 01:02:25 man. I appreciate you coming over. Oh, yeah.
01:02:25 --> 01:02:29 And that's a wrap right there. Cool, cool. Right?
01:02:29 --> 01:02:32 Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.